5 Very Stupid Things Hollywood Taught You About Fighting

Deep down, we like to think we’ve subconsciously absorbed so much knowledge from pop culture that we could hold our own in a fight, despite having no real training and, like … objectively the worst torsoes. But even if we could absorb abilities through movies, we’d still be bolt. In reality, John Wick’s bulletproof suit would fail him, the parkour ninjas from the 47 different Assassin’s Creed games would all break their necks, and Rey would kill herself the first time she used a lightsaber. Here’s why.


Wearing Boobplate Armor Makes It Easier To Kill You

Once upon a hour, the fantasy genre was rife with hot women in chainmail bikinis, which offered about just as much protection as wishful thinking. Today, the genre has largely matured, and many female characters are given proper suits of armor … which continues to be feature lovingly sculpted metal boob, for some reason.

HBO Though this blacksmith appears to have forgotten the nipple cavities.

Now, first of all, medieval armor wasn’t simply a sheet of metal they stuck on your torso before marching you off. It was generally worn with padding beneath, for both comfort and safety. There’s no point to “skintight” armor, and boob holders has become even more unnecessary when you’re swaddled up like the Michelin Man under there. Secondly, the whole degree of armor is to deflect incoming jolts — as in, bounce them away from your tender bits. But if your breastplate has two big round mountains on either side, the enemy’s sword is going to slide down them, right into the center of your chest.

Bethesda Softworks Generally speaking, you need that to live.

As Tor’s Emily Asher-Perrin explains, a strong enough blow to the chest can kill you, armor or not. Even falling down in a piece of unpadded boob armor would induce those metal beakers to dig into your chest, resulting in some serious damage. If our boobless readers are having trouble picturing their own problems, suppose a jockstrap that individually wraps the penis and each testicle separately, instead of putting the whole unit behind one single protective sheet of hard plastic. Then imagine person kicking it.


Both Lightsabers And Bat’leths Are Terrible Weapons

If you’ve never imagined yourself in a lightsaber duel, then you might as well leave now, because you’re either a liar or a robot, and we will tolerate neither . But despite the name, lightsaber blades are made of plasma. And the amount of energy required to produce that plasma would also be enough to illuminated the entire chamber on fire the second you flipped it on. It would be like trying to wield an exploding bomb. And if that energy could somehow be contained,( like, say, because of the Kyber crystals that you beautiful nerds are already rushing to mention ?), the bargain is still off the second two lightsabers touch. Two beams of piping hot plasma crashing into each other would lead to magnetic reconnection, which is a fancy scientific word for an explosion that results in fricasseed dork.

Lucasfilm And no one will care enough to turn you into a cyborg.

Oh, but don’t think you’re get off lighting here, geeks who prefer their starrings of the trek variety. Now we’re going to look at the Klingon Bat’leth. You’d think this would fare better. It’s not some goofy magical laser sword, only a mean part of metal meant to be thrust into some unclean Romulan’s chest. OK, but here’s how you hold it 😛 TAGEND

CBS Television Studios If this was useful for killing things, humen would have thought of it centuries ago.

It’s basically a stick with got a couple of pointy bits on the ends. And pointy sticks do indeed injured. Everything checks out so far. But imagine hitting someone from that pose: You’ll get almost no strength or reach from your limp thrustings. If your fight hasn’t been pre-scripted for television, you’d be luck to give your opponent a paper cut. At best, you could lift a Bat’leth up and swing it down like a far less effective ax … but that’s so unwieldy that whomever you’re opposing would surely perforate you halfway through the process. Maybe the Klingons are trying to give their victims a sporting chance?


You Likely Won’t Stroll Away From Being Shot While Wearing A Bulletproof Vest

Your name is Gareth Goodguy, and you are a good guy. You are in a standoff with Billiam Badguy, who is( try to look astonished here) a bad guy. You both draw your handguns and flame. You both fall. But only you get back up. Visualize, you sway by the Good Guy Store before the fight and picked up a bulletproof vest. It’s a good thing bad guys don’t have that technology! You get to stroll away feelin’ dandy, while Billiam hacks his life away into a gutter. Justice prevails!

Universal Pictures Marty are you OK, are you OK, are you OK Marty ?

While bulletproof vests do of course assimilate bullets, all that energy still has to go somewhere. So getting shot feels like taking a 90 mph fastball to the chest — it might not kill you, but it will give you a nasty bruise, knocking you on your ass, and possibly even wind you. Injuries can be attributed to bulletproof vests doing their task even have their own epithet: behind armor blunt trauma. And BABTs can mean anything from lacerations to fractured ribs to damaged vital organs. That’s better than dying, yes, but you’re not strolling away from that with a quick pun and a winking to the camera.

Lionsgate Films Try to explain < i> those bruises to CPS.


Doing An Assassin’s Creed -Style Dive Into A Pile Of Straw Would Cripple You

The Assassin’s Creed games all feature a move called the Leap of Faith, wherein the hero dives off of a tall building into a stack of fodder( ever conveniently located at the base of any good tower ), then hops out and runs about their day without so much as a single bystander hollering “JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU OK ?! “

Ubisoft While all the city guards suffer immediate face blindness.

But while the move undoubtedly appears cool, it would actually result in nothing more than heaps of mangled assassins rotting softly in haystacks. According to some especially nerdy scientists at the University of Leicester, “it wouldve been” safe to jump into fodder from a maximum height of about 12 meters( or 39.3 American Freedoms ). You could probably survive a jump-start of up to 50 meters( 164 feet ), but you wouldn’t be in any condition to parkour away from seeking sentries afterwards. Any building taller than that, and the deceleration would be too much too quick for all but the most gelatinous assassin.

Ubisoft That moves for diving into sea, too.

As a general rule, it’s safe is of the view that even a three-story house is taller than the security restriction, and the tower spires of Assassin’s Creed are well beyond that. We know, it’s almost like video games are unrealistic. Do try to learn to trust again some day.


Dodge-Rolling Simply Makes You An Easy( Undignified) Target

So you’re playing Dark Souls , Bloodborne , Zelda , Tomb Raider , Batman: Arkham Whatever — pretty much any play in history, really. A big guy is running at you with an ax. Period to dodge-roll!

Nintendo “They all giggled when I bought that hat adhesive! Well, who’s stupid now ?! “

Surely, real battlefields of yore were also full of warriors gracefully tumbling out of the way of their opponents’ blades. Why, look at this modern recreation wherein … huh.

via Kotaku Missing: the proportion when the other loots his pockets.

Yeah, it turns out that if your foe isn’t locked in a laughably long video game animation, it’s the easiest thing in the world for them to adjust their swing while you’re flailing around on the ground. In real fighting, dodging is an issue of keeping your motions as simple and effective as possible, so as to not leave any openings. Look, you probably weren’t going to get in a sword fight with a madman anyway, but on the off chance your Saturday night goes awry, we’re just saying: Don’t somersault.

Mark is on Twitter and has a brand new book .

Listen, frankly, it’s still a good mind to wear a protective vest even when you’re playing paintball .

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